My Hedonistic Holiday

Christmas and I have had issues with each other for a long time. But it never really occurred to me that I didn't have to participate in it the way I always have in the past.

But this year, I finally have the nerve and the means to do something different, so I'm going to. I'm taking a mini-vacation to New Orleans, and if nothing else, I will eat well over the next few days! I've already done the gift-exchange thing with the ones on my list, so I'll get to focus on the one area where I mostly have good Christmas memories: food! No one will ask me how much longer I'll be in school or if I'm seeing anyone, and I won't have to listen to any political debates.

This may be my best Christmas ever.

I joined a book club

Occasionally I like to expand the set of people I talk to. I think this is true of most people, but it's also true that this sort of thing is easier said than done. Personally, I've had a mixed (at best) record with the whole common-interest-group thing. Often these groups are very comfortable with the dynamic they've already established and aren't that interested in welcoming new people. So when I saw a flyer advertising a book club on campus, I was certainly interested, but I prepared myself for disappointment.

Turns out my fears were unfounded. I was especially worried when I realized I didn't like parts of the book to be discussed. But I figured since there were parts I did enjoy, and I kind of live to provide a contrarian perspective, it would at least be worth a shot. There was a decent turnout, and I wasn't the only one who didn't like the parts I didn't like. The people were surprisingly friendly and interested in what I had to say.

I'm pretty sure I'll go to their next meeting. I might even bring a friend. I might also post my reviews of the books we read here. It will be nice to have something non-computer related to do on a regular basis. And it's really nice to have something like this pan out for me. It's funny how this sort of thing works. I'd been trying for months to find something with no luck, and I found something potentially very good after I'd basically given up hope. Not sure whether to feel hopeful again or whether I get better results without it.

Some Rocky Horror fun

Have you ever created your own fantasy cast for a movie? It could be for a remake, or for a book that has yet to be made into a movie.

The other night, some friends and I got to recasting our own version of Rocky Horror Picture Show. There actually was talk of a remake happening, but it has since been shelved. Anyway, it's still fun to imagine who would be in certain roles. So if a remake ever does get off the ground, here is our fantasy cast, with a brief explanation of why they were chosen, submitted for your approval:

Frank-N-Furter: Sacha Baron Cohen. He's certainly uninhibited enough for the role, and thanks to Sweeney Todd, we know he can sing.

Brad Majors: James Marsden (Cyclops from X-Men). This was one of the toughest roles for us to cast. The current trend in Hollywood leading men is toward the man-child, and it took us a while to come up with someone we thought could portray manliness and squareness at the same time.

Janet Weiss: Taylor Swift. She's the epitome of middle America niceness, and while her music isn't my cup of tea, she can certainly sing well enough. What else do you need?

Riff Raff: Matthew Bellamy (also answers to "that Muse guy"). If you're at all familiar with his music, you know he'd nail the part vocally. I also suspect he has more than enough freak in him to connect with the character, despite his lack of acting experience.

Magenta: Lady Gaga. She would probably have to dial down her freakiness a bit, at least until the end. In any case, she would bring out the other-worldliness of the character.

Columbia: Katy Perry. "I Kissed a Girl" was really more about male attention than anything else. And Columbia craves attention wherever she can get it.

Rocky: James Franco. OK, this is mostly an excuse for extended viewings of James Franco in his underwear. Not gonna lie. That said, we figured he has the acting chops to do "dumb and beautiful" very effectively.

Dr. Scott: Ian McKellen. Who else could pull off glittery pumps with such gravitas?

Eddie: Zach Galifianakis. Speaking of man-child, where it wouldn't work for Brad, it's perfect for Eddie. And Galifianakis is the current king of man-child.

Criminologist: Liam Neeson. For one thing, he looks the part. For another, he could totally play this part straight, which would make it even funnier. The best comedy is often played straight.

So, what do you think? Let me know in the comments, and feel free to submit your own suggestions!

Blaming the media

Last night I went to meeting of a feminist group on campus. We watched this documentary called Mickey Mouse Monopoly. The film is very critical of Disney and the messages it puts out in its products, whether those messages are intentional or unintentional.

For some, this is not news. Those who are old enough to remember Aladdin may also remember the outcry from Arab-Americans who believed the lyrics of the opening song portrayed Arabs as barbaric. In The Lion King, several people pointed out that the villains were not only voiced by minority actors, but also seemed to emulate street thug behavior.

One problem I had with Mickey Mouse Monopoly is that the speakers seemed to imply that gender and ethnic stereotypes were the sole fault of Disney. Toward the end, they quoted an internal Disney memo from then-CEO Michael Eisner about how their sole responsibility was to make money. The film made it seem like the memo was this sinister thing, but it shouldn't surprise anyone who follows financial news. The speakers in the film talked about how they believe Disney (and, I suppose, all entertainers by extension) has a responsibility to promote less stereotypical behavior, I guess.

So far I've been pretty critical of the film, but I do want to clarify that I believe many of their concerns are legitimate. Disney movies clearly promote stereotypical behavior, and I wish they wouldn't. Anybody who gets most of their ideas about gender and ethnicity from Disney is going to have some seriously skewed ideas. But a lot of those skewed ideas are also in the source material that Disney uses. Anyone care to tell me about the bad-ass, independent heroines in the original versions of Grimm's Fairy Tales, for instance (although Ever After was an awesome retelling)?

I also want to address the idea that Disney or any other entertainers have a responsibility to the public. I have a really hard time with this because I'm not sure how you would achieve the desired outcome without some kind of censorship. And that's just not how we settle things in a free society. Also, I think that ultimate responsibility lies with the parents. If you keep feeding your kids junk food, whose fault is it when they have health problems? Actually, that's a pretty good analogy. And Mickey Mouse Monopoly can be useful for revealing Disney movies to be the cinematic junk food that they are. Just don't overdo the junk food and be sure to balance it with healthier things. It also might be helpful to talk to kids about the messages in those movies.

Ultimately, I think the best solution is to install critical thinking skills in your kids. Don't just uncritically accept everything people tell you, whether those people are Disney employees or your relatives. It's never too early or too late to work on your bullshit detectors.

Also, for examples of other sources with shady gender portrayals, check out this article from the fine folks at Feministing.

Confession with hypothesis testing

First, the confession: I've always wanted to be beautiful, and it bothers me (probably more than it should) that I'm not. Before any of my family, friends, or just anybody who preaches the gospel of inner beauty gets all wound up about this, let me clarify what I mean.

It is fairly obvious that society favors those who are considered attractive. For instance, I thought the movie The Invention of Lying handled this idea very honestly and effectively, although it wasn't the main theme of the movie. Generally, attractive people are rewarded more and get away with more than their less attractive counterparts. Society does not favor me in this regard, so I think it's safe to say I am not considered particularly attractive by society at large, which is what I mean by my initial statement.

This is not entirely for lack of trying. I've made improvements in the way I dress and even found a hair stylist who is good with curly hair. However, my weight is a problem. A few days ago, I encountered this article on CNN's website:

She drops 100 pounds, gains new world

The gist of the article is that this woman loses 100 pounds, and lo and behold, people start treating her better. Not just potential romantic interests, but more people want to be her friend, too. Even her professional life has improved.

As you might have guessed, I have a few things in common with the author of that article. We both come from deep-frying cultures and use humor as a coping mechanism. Like her, my social life isn't quite what I want it to be.

I've actually been thin before in my life, but I was such a mess mentally at the time that I didn't enjoy it. This time, I feel like I've done the inner work. I feel pretty good about who I am on the inside. Now I just want an outside to match.

Here's where the hypothesis testing comes in. I have a feeling if I am able to drop some weight, I'll have an experience similar to the CNN article author's: suddenly people who previously ignored me will find me interesting. There is other evidence to back this up.

I think I've chosen a plan, but I'm not going to discuss it here for the time being. One, I don't want this to turn into a discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of this plan. Two, I want to make sure I get results before saying anything one way or the other about it publicly!

It won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile is.

Hope you enjoy my new direction

When I first started this blog, I'd recently had a birthday and had made it a goal to figure out where I was spiritually by my next birthday. That next birthday has come and gone, and I've come across some interesting developments. I still have a lot of questions about things, but I've found a great community that supports me in my search, which may be more important than any conclusions I reach (I'll expand on this in a future post).

While I'll continue to post my thoughts on these matters, I'm not inspired to write about religious or spiritual topics as frequently as before. So I'd like to expand the scope of this little blog and talk more about other aspects of my life. This will probably include a lot about technology and my experiences in graduate school. I'll still post spiritually-themed articles occasionally; they just won't be the main focus anymore.

In the next day or two, I'll post something about the official beginning of my second attempt at graduate school (including an explanation of why it's my second attempt). Even at a seemingly inconsequential event like a department orientation, important lessons can reveal themselves. Stay tuned!

That's how I roll

This blog has been added to the blogrolls of:

• Friendly Atheist
• The Out Campaign

Yes, I realize that I didn't do anything special to merit this, but every bit helps! Thanks, guys!

Coming soon: why is this atheist blog different from all other atheist blogs?

Useful tools in a spiritual search

In all my encounters with Vedanta, everyone from Swami Vivekananda to the Resident Minister at my local Vedanta Society says I shouldn't accept anything they teach without investigating it for myself. At no point has my skeptical behavior been discouraged or criticized; in fact, the Resident Minister encourages me to ask her questions all the time.

But every group looks good to its own people and its own literature. I think when researching a group (of any kind, not just religious), it's also worthwhile to see who its enemies are and what they have to say. My parents encouraged me to read authors I disagree with from time to time (you may have seen the recent Friendly Atheist post on the subject). I might refine my perspective on an issue, or at least learn how the opposition thinks.

Regarding religious groups, the Advanced Bonewits' Cult Danger Evaluation Frame by neopagan Isaac Bonewits is a good starting point. Basically, if a group seems awfully concerned with perpetuating itself and taking over your life, you might want to think twice, or as many times as needed for you to run the hell away.

For information on specific groups, visit the Ross Institute's Controversial Groups Archives. Rick Ross is an expert on cults and is probably most well known for his "deprogramming" work, which is basically helping people break out of cults. He has used some methods in the past that I wouldn't advocate, but his website is an excellent clearinghouse of information on controversial groups. Note: a group's listing on this site doesn't necessarily make it a cult per se, and I don't think Ross is trying to say it is. But if certain scary patterns of behavior seem to emerge from a group, well, you've been warned.

Next time: an update on where I am in my search.

Disaster narrowly averted

I think I've mentioned before how religious my extended family is. Over the weekend, my grandmother was in the hospital awaiting surgery (it went well, and she's doing much better!). A bunch of us went to visit her, so it was almost like a family gathering. Normally at family gatherings, I just tune out the conversation and pretend to be fascinated by something on my phone, so despite the gulf between our opinions on things, we don't get into a lot of entanglements. But a hospital room provides much closer quarters, so I had to engage in more active lip-biting than I typically do.

During the afternoon, one of my aunts started singing the praises of Joel Osteen. Fine. Normally, this is where I start to tune out and find another conversation, but no such luck this time. Apparently, he had recently preached this sermon about how you should shout praises to God when you're feeling worried. Again, fine. I could see how that might have some psychological benefit. But what bothered me is how she kept talking about "the Christians" in Old Testament events like the battle of Jericho (Hint: there were no Christians in the Old Testament). It took all my self-restraint not to say, "Don't you mean the Jews?"

Later on, my stepmom wondered aloud why we have certain organs, even though we can live without them. This was relevant to the issue at hand, as Granny was having her gallbladder removed. Without even thinking about the implications of my statements, I rattled off the standard Biology 101 answer: "Well, these things were probably more useful at a previous stage in our development. I mean, look at the tailbone..."

We've never discussed the issue, but the look on my stepmom's face indicated I'd hit a nerve. Granny chimed in, "Well, nobody really knows about that stuff." I took that as my cue to bow out. It's things like this that make me think that even if it were a worthwhile goal to rid the world of religion (I'm not saying it is, or that it isn't), it would be impossible to achieve. We've still got flat-earthers, for dog's sake.

I did at least get in one positive point. We were discussing contentment and how important it was, and I said, "Every major religion teaches that in some form." That seemed to please everyone. Those who know me personally know how conflicted my relationship is with my extended family. Like all people, I'd prefer to get along with them. But it seems that to get along, I have to pretend to be someone I'm not.

Your concern is appreciated

Can I start a backlash against a backlash?

I should probably begin with the disclaimer that I haven't read any of the Twilight books or seen any of the movies. My commentary doesn't have anything to do with the actual content of these books and movies, just the discussion about them.

An acquaintance of mine keeps posting stuff on his Facebook page about how Bella and Edward are in an abusive relationship, vampires are creepy and therefore not proper objects of lust, etc. This stuff may be completely true, but I can't help but wonder about a couple of things:

• Since when did we look to literature for role models on how to conduct relationships? In fact, there was a point after my divorce where I distinctly remember thinking, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not a 19th-century literary heroine, because this is probably the point in the story where I'd kill myself." For the record, I had no desire to do that; I was simply remarking on the all-too-common fate of such women after failed romances.
• The Twilight series is obviously the first time a bunch of teenagers have obsessed about something. Ever. We didn't see the same thing when Titanic came out or anything. Leif freakin' Garrett, for dog's sake.

So maybe Edward is mean and nasty to Bella, who still hangs on him like a lapdog. A big part of most people's teenage and young adult years is working out their unrealistic expectations of other people, romantically and otherwise. Hopefully these people have models of healthier relationships around them, but if not, I don't think that's Stephenie Meyer's fault. Give people some credit. I don't know anyone who reads, say, Harlequin romances who actually expects to be swept off their feet by some drop-dead gorgeous billionaire.

If the whole thing bothers you that much, save your concern for the fictional characters and redirect it toward actual people in your life. The flesh-and-blood humans might actually appreciate it.

Defensive Dating

By sheer numbers, my post-divorce dating life is not going well (don't worry, this post isn't going to turn into a pity party). My OkCupid profile didn't get the results I'd hoped for, and I've actually disabled my account until I figure out how I want to retool it.

Fortunately, some recent events have made me realize that one thing is actually going very well: I'm spotting guys who are a bad fit for me before they get too close. Not too long ago, I would have been taken in by anything that looked like interest that was thrown my way, which would lead to us attaching to each other like lampreys. And eventually, I'd wonder why I felt so drained and suffocated. So I'm almost as glad that these sorts of things aren't happening as I would be if I'd met the love of my life.

Just as in sports, offense tends to get more attention than defense. And as in sports, it helps to be competent in both areas if you want to win a championship. I freely admit that my offense needs work. But I'm immensely glad to see that the defense is doing its job. I love what Drew Barrymore had to say in a recent interview about her love life: "I'm not in the wrong relationship, and it's great!"

I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving, or failing that, can keep the hip flask well-concealed.

I need to update my musical tastes

It has been brought to my attention that my musical tastes are woefully out of date, much like someone who's worn the same hairstyle for decades.

Like many people my age, I got into They Might Be Giants in the early 1990's. I stayed with them through the addition of a regular live band (which actually produced some great albums), and even some of their forays into children's music. Now they're coming to Dallas at the end of the month, but it's a kids show. I posted this dilemma on my Facebook page, and a friend pointed out that this seemed to be the new direction for the band, and that they do the theme song for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (not having children, I didn't know there was such a thing). While I appreciate what they're doing from an educational perspective, I must admit the music isn't doing anything for me.

It seems like all the other artists I followed in high school and college have either stopped making albums, or at least stopped making good ones. For instance, I'm glad that Elvis Costello seems to have found domestic bliss and whatnot with Diana Krall, but I preferred his music before he got so respectable. In the interest of fairness, I'll say Ms. Krall has produced some worthwhile stuff during this time. I actually don't blame her for his decline or anything; I'd pinpoint that on when he decided that he and Burt Bacharach needed to do a full album together. If you can listen to the middle third of that album and not imagine yourself in an elevator, you're a better person than I am.

So it's time for me to find someone to get into who's releasing awesome albums now. Is the new Mika any good? The consensus seems to be that it's decent but maybe a tad overproduced. But I've only listened to previews and not the whole album. Also, I want to emphasize the "now" part of the first sentence of this paragraph. I don't want to hear about great 30-year-old albums, even if I haven't heard them before. If you have any recommendations, leave them in the comments.

An announcement

I had an epiphany the other day. No, I haven't had a vision from Ganesha (although, as visions from deities go, I could do worse--Ganesha's adorable!), but an important realization, nonetheless.

On my Facebook profile, my observations about everyday life seem to get more of a response than when I try to be profound. So I'm going to widen the scope and lighten the tone of this blog. It occurred to me that people who talk almost exclusively about their religion (or lack of it) tend to be incredibly dull. My attempts at philosophical ramblings have been good practice for me, but perhaps not as interesting for the reader.

I'll still talk about religious and philosophical issues, but I hope to do it in a more lighthearted manner, and in the context of other topics. For example, I'll post some stuff about freethought and dating soon, possibly even later today. After all, what good is a religion or philosophy if it has no applications to your everyday life?

Enjoy whatever support system you have

For the last couple of days, I'd been feeling a bit melancholy. So few of my friends live near me, and I was starting to get a little down about it. That, and for some reason, school has really been tiring me out. I'd posted a series of Facebook status updates that indicated fatigue and frustration, and apparently, I'd posted enough of them to warrant a phone call from my dad to ask about me. I was in class when he called, so I had to call him back. When I did, my stepmom answered the phone and also asked if I was ok. I talked to her until Dad came to the phone, and Dad and I talked about my schoolwork. "Take a nap," he said. Fortunately, I was about to do that very thing.

It's easy to think, "Well, Dad's supposed to do that," but even if that's true, I've seen plenty of instances where that's obviously not the case. The day before I graduated from boot camp, we got to spend the afternoon with our families. That evening, I heard more than one person say, "Not once did my family say they were proud of me." And while my family has its share of issues (and maybe a few other families' shares, too), they tell me they're proud of me all the time.

If you don't have a good relationship with your family of origin, you've probably created a family of choice. Embrace them. Cultivate all the connections you can. Take no one for granted.

Skepticism for school

This doesn't have anything to do with religion per se, but I wanted to address something that is often repeated as an article of faith without any real evidence to back it up. School either will start soon or has already started for some people, and I wanted to discuss this matter.

Liberal arts colleges (like my alma mater!) love to tout their undergraduate focus in their brochures. They're chock full of statements like, "Since we have no graduate programs, we can guarantee that all your classes will be taught by actual professors." Implicit in this statement is something akin to, "Those poor, downtrodden students at the big scary state schools have to take some of their classes from the great unwashed--I mean, graduate students." (Cue the horror movie music of your choice at this point.)

After a couple of years at a big scary state school and indeed having some classes taught by grad students, I think I can safely say that there is no correlation whatsoever between people's teaching abilities and their relative positions on the tenure track. I've had excellent teachers who were grad students, and terrible teachers with doctorates from prestigious schools.

If there's any factor that could be said to make a difference, it's probably just a personal commitment to decent teaching. It may seem odd that a large number of college professors don't put much thought into their teaching skills, but in many cases, evaluations of their job performance rest on other factors, like publishing research. Published research also accounts for a lot of weight in things like university rankings in various publications. You can argue how wrong this is if you like, but don't expect to get very far.

If you really need your hand held through a class, even big scary state schools have assistance available. When I was struggling in a technical writing class, I went to the writing lab and got help. College is not like high school. Success is not handed to you on a plate. It's OK not to be a natural whiz at everything (it took me a while to make peace with that!). And generally, unless the question is over something specific that the instructor wants, the help from fellow students in the labs is just as good as what you'll get from an instructor during office hours.

Just think of it as practice with taking responsibility for your own success. That's how life is.

For Those Needing a Good Laugh

Type the phrase "secondary virginity" into your search engine of choice. Just do it.

Actually, in keeping with the concept, do it, feel terribly guilty about it, then promise to never, ever, ever do it again until you've been given permission.

My favorite piece of advice, courtesy of LoveMatters.com:

Avoid intense hugging, passionate kissing and anything else that leads to lustful thoughts and behavior. Anything beyond a brief, simple kiss can quickly become dangerous.

Because, you know, you gotta watch that intense hugging.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to explode with laughter. That is all.

Questioning Assumptions

The hardest assumptions to question are the ones you make about yourself.

I have avoided swimming pools for most of my life, and it's not because I'm self-conscious about how I look in a swimsuit. I'm much more self-conscious about not being a very good swimmer. It's not so bad that I have trouble staying afloat, but let's just say if you see someone who looks like me doing laps, that's a good indication it's not me.

I took those Red Cross swimming lessons when I was a kid--three classes, in fact. Actually, it was the same beginner class three times because I flunked it the first two times. My third instructor really put in a lot of extra work with me so I could pass the third time. I wish I could remember her name so I could thank her properly. I had (and still have) issues with putting my face in the water. I've never been able to coordinate that with the whole breathing thing.

For any experienced swimmers out there, that probably sounds really dumb, but one of the stories of my life is that hard things are easy for me, and easy things are hard. Calculus and programming? Relatively easy for me, while just about anything touted by others as really easy sends shivers down my spine. For instance, when I was in the Marine Corps, I was always hearing about how easy marksmanship is. Guess who can't hit the broad side of a barn with a rifle?

Enter my friend Jenny, who was on her high school's water polo team. We've been going to the gym and doing the usual cardio and weights thing. She suggested trying out the pool and is now determined to make a water creature out of me. I can get around by doing a sort of elementary backstroke. I'm pretty sure some of the other swimmers thought I looked like a doofus, but I don't really care. My goal isn't to be the next Dara Torres; it's simply to have a good time in the pool and burn some calories while doing it. So by that standard, last night was a success!

Jenny seems to think she'll have me front crawling eventually. I like the idea, but I don't know how long that's going to take. I think I'll work my way up to a standard backstroke first. Small steps. If I could get to a point where I'm actually comfortable front crawling, that would be huge for me. That's why I try not to be too critical of people who dress badly or otherwise look silly when they exercise. At least they're out doing something instead of staying on the couch. I wonder how many people are scared into inaction by fear of how they'll look.